Manuscript.
Hey, dear Diary!
Haven’t logged in for a couple of days. To be honest not that much has occurred for me to write anything substantial down. But the more intense part of the healing process has ended. I’ve exchanged some very deep and meaningful letters with Phillip Wilcher, the composer from Australia. And yet again I’ve come to see that all people are spiritual teachers. Doesn’t matter whether they’re old souls, young souls, educated, uneducated, sophisticated, foolish, spiritual or unaware of themselves …every single person has a profound role to play in life. Often that role isn’t very clear.
The climax of the healing process took place 2 days ago. The whole day was an utter mess in terms of “normality”. The separation line between the ethereal and the real has never been that blurred for me. In a letter to Phillip I told him about the ongoing healing process and why it’s occurring and where I hope this will all go. I initiated the healing by contacting John and asking him some questions and basically writing about some painful past experiences that have been blocking up my energy channels. I believe this was all part of the grand scheme of things: while appearing to be just a “healing process” it was really a spiritual lesson in disguise. And I’m convinced I’ve learnt this lesson! I have a very inquisitive nature that often gets out of control with its constant desire to know everything and to analyze everything and worst of all: box everything up and label them. This part of my character became especially magnified during this healing process – probably this is what I’ve really been working at, to decrease the craving to conceptualize everything. When I’m flowing through life more naturally and when there isn’t too much inner work going on, then I’m able to balance these forces much more easily and direct my energy into specific things that have an actual value and a result: studying music, practicing piano and looking for more ways to advance as a musician (rather than tirelessly calculating people’s numerological reports…only for the sake of comparison and to just find out who’s got the biggest numbers!). When I’m not able to direct the energy flowing through me, then I become overly concerned with the metaphysical subjects, such as my soul age and past lives and all the like. To be honest…the concept of having lived other lives terrifies me a bit. Some inner voice is constantly telling me to lay off this search for the ultimate knowledge of myself and just get on with the life at hand. That’s a good thing, because all I have is this life and this body and these people that I know now… I want to love my present day more than I have done so far.
Pretty Campanulas.
I believe another reason why I departed from my usual path of musical discipline was to also expand my personal freedom. I have been stuck in a routine for nearly 2 years: getting up, studying music, practicing piano, composing, composing, composing, studying more music…looking for music to study… And only for very brief moments I would find myself really appreciating my present day life here as a composer. I’ve been too busy working instead of enjoying. This is what I really need to learn is to relax and let loose after a hard day’s work and not force myself to go on till I drop. From now on I’ve decided I will not do more composing after meditating. Instead I will watch TV, surf the net, play PS3 games…relax and have fun! There must be an element of play. But for some reason I find it hard to switch off after working hard…it’s like I’ve become hyper-activated and it’s so hard to cool down again. But I guess I’m finally beginning to really master myself already. Not to say that I’ve mastered myself completely, but…one step at a time.
A composer stuck in a rut.
So…we started discussing with Phillip about the whole spiritual aspect of things and my healing process. Phillip reckoned that spirituality is basically the same as being out of tune. He didn’t exactly say it literally, but I know he meant to say it when he hinted at it by pointing out the fact that “music gives back what life takes away”. I know this particular thought…I’ve thought that myself! I am a musician afterall. But at this time I was experiencing a spiritual lesson which I was aware of, but he didn’t see it that way, because he wasn’t in my shoes. He reckons that swaying from the path of discipline is the same as being out of tune and often includes being unreal. In a way I know he’s right. But from another perspective it may be that people only know what is right for them at the time. So he may simply have been selling me his ideas, because that’s all he knows. But this is where a very important aspect comes in: God is loving!!! For that reason I know that at any point in time I will be led to the right people who will tell me exactly the right things that I may need to learn at that time. It all makes sense. As I was on a spiritual curve away from my usual path (all of which is perfectly OK and just as it was meant to be) I learnt many new things and then Phillip came along to bring me back to the reality with his very down to Earth beliefs about things. Now I feel very appreciative of what has taken place and I know that every single person has an extremely important role to play. While someone may not appear to be up to my/our ideals or the perfect standards…they are still aspects of God teaching me/us something. And the answer to all suffering is: UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!
Unconditional Love.
