This week has passed very quietly. The intensity of the emotions has cooled down. In the today’s meditation I even tried to wind myself up a bit to sabotage the healing process a little bit…but it’s not happening. I’ve dealt with one very serious anger issue, but from a more recent past. In June I visited my family in Kallaste, Estonia. The beautiful little town on the shores of lake Peipus. That’s why it’s called “Kallaste” which could be translated as “Of The Shores”.
A moment in Kallaste.
It was my getaway from Tartu, the town where I grew up and where…well…things happened. In this June I got to spend some serious quality-time with my grandma, father and sister. I’m especially satisfied with how fun and lovely my little sister is. Such an adorable little human. My grandma…she’s the home of my heart. Her lovingness is infinite. My father…we have issues. This time around Kallaste I was hoping to have some fun with my father, but it didn’t work out this way. He has a drinking habit and has failed to stay dignified. In the recent years I’ve struggled hard to get perfectly healthy and life-positive/goal-minded/forward moving/God-loving. And all the energy I’ve put into caring for my body has made me a much more confident person as well. So when my father turned to me to ask for money to buy illegal vodka…I said a resolute: NO! I won’t contribute anything to destroying lives. If he’d asked me for support like money for buying useful things…I would more than happily oblige. But to ask my money to use it to destroy one’s health…that just angers me. I’m not a priest, so I wouldn’t like to hold any speeches on one’s deprivation and damnation by one’s own (free) choices to do what one will’s, not the slightest. He can do what he likes with his life. But I wouldn’t do this to myself and therefore I won’t fund anything like that, because agreeing to give him money to buy alcohol would mean that I’m OK with that…but I’m not. I was never concerned for my little sister, but now I begin to think how his drinking may affect Alisa. Doesn’t bear thinking about. Thank God for my grandma. She’s the closest thing to an angel, she’ll take care of Alisa.
Grandma with Alisa and a bit of my dad.
The row with my father carried on throughout my stay in Kallaste. He probably didn’t like to be confronted, so I’m guessing he began holding little grudges against me. Our already troubled relationship finally turned completely sour with this one very f***-ed up experience in the kitchen and I don’t see any solutions to this. Unless he miraculously chooses to become healed and frees himself form the domination of material over spiritual. I may sound like a crazy religion-freak, but I just don’t know any better words at this point. Here’s what happened.
On the 2nd of June I left Kallaste in the morning for Tartu to go to visit Laura and Dagmar there. It was a refreshing experience to find myself in my hometown again. A little bit scary as well as I found myself all alone. But I calmed myself with affirmations: God is loving, happiness is here, life is a joy! But an underlying level of uncertainty and nervousness remained. In fact…the universe was preparing me to finally introduce me to a very profound secret of my being, perhaps one that I’d searched for for a long time. We met up with Laura and obviously got beer and went to the local nature hangout – the Toome hill. There we talked and talked…oh the fun! I love this girl, she is so down to Earth and so real. Very few girls are so trustworthy and present. She must be a soul mate of mine. Well anyways…then this awful experience happened. In a cafe we saw one lady have an epileptic fit. But it caught us off-guard. I had never witnessed such horror in my life. It’s possibly since I don’t understand this illness, but it scared the living daylight out of me. I couldn’t tell if she was dying from fear of something or if it was just an illness. All I could feel was my own fear of that situation. Then it started…I began seeing far to deep inside the workings of the Universe…far too deep for my liking. I felt like my whole life was shattered…because what I considered “LIFE” could never be restored again. I have become painfully aware of the hidden behind the scenes. It’s all very real and with this particular experience in mind…also very scary and it’s impossible to escape the truth. At least this what I thought how things were at that time. Now I know it was just a preparatory experience to introduce me to this completely new thing… the Michael Teaching. When I discovered it…it explained all these questions that had risen in me as a result of that particular experience. Finally I was ready to come out of my (long) isolation and learn about my soul age/ my current life conditions, meet my soul mates and begin to actively search out and converse with others who have advanced away from the “everyday life”. Not to say that the everyday life isn’t good enough…it most certainly is, but there is more to things than meets the eye. And luckily I’m not alone in this discovery. Although I managed to say a warm goodbye to Laura and appear normal on the surface, inside I was shaken/stirred/messed up/”what the f*ck is going on? Back to Kallaste…when I tried telling my father about this experience, he coldly stated that this must have been a “drug experiment gone wrong”. That terrified me and angered me at the same time as my father happens to be a very negative person, who also seems to get a kick out of scaring people. At that point I needed consolation, loving, nurturing…but he responded to me with anger and told me to change the subject. That activated further feelings of guilt in me and messed up everything for me. I tried explaining to him how it was all making me feel, but he was convinced I was trying to “hurt him” by telling him about such awful things. I asked him if he had no remorse or compassion for me, but he just said: suck it up and take it like a man. I decided to end this cruelty by simply leaving the conversation and going to meditate. In the meditation I affirmed to myself that God is loving and God really loves me and just because I didn’t know what life was before doesn’t change the fact that it all existed long before me. Basically I believe that what really happened is that as I was looking very deep inside things, I saw them for what they really were. And deep down my father is just a very angry person, that’s why he drinks. He needs to heal the anger in order to become enlightened… A fragment of his anger also affected me (it must have stayed in my energy field), but in the tonight’s meditation I released it. And now I’m free from it.
- A brighter tomorrow.
The next day after the final row with my father we were getting on a little better…but I felt very bitter inside, because I’d discovered that I can’t trust him at all. On the last day we went out for a last walk with Alisa and got to spend some valuable time together. It felt pretty serene. Alisa must have felt very happy…I know I would have if I were in her shoes.
Then my mom came and we left for Finland. Boy was I glad to see my mom. Someone I could really trust. I felt confidence returning to me as we drove away from Kallaste. I know they will all be fine, but at this time in my life I believe it’s better for us to be apart. I love my grandma dearly, but there is nothing I can do, I have to continue living my life as it unfolds naturally.
Back in Finland it took me quite a while to become tuned to the “reality” again. And I felt faith returning to me as well. I also discovered that it’s faith really that makes up the beauty of life. All that is beautiful and worthwhile is made of faith!
This was a more recent experience that profoundly shaped my life and has made me almost a completely new being. I find myself waking up every morning wondering…howcome I’m still here…after all that…and what is all of this becoming? And…who am I? I used to know who I was, but now I’m simply experiencing every day as it comes. Perhaps I just need to get real and get a job and start a normal life…but I’m a composer and this is what I love doing: intensely studying music every day, composing and practicing piano. This is what makes me happy. If only I could also work as a pianist somewhere…oh yes, please! (I just made a wish and I know the Universe is listening!)
Sweet dreams, dear Diary! I love you!
