I woke up in a very positive mood today. I remember twisting and turning around 9 am, but not from unease, but rather from the healing processes taking place. My emotional being has come to my full awareness and it’s more than obvious now that this is what is supposed to be happening. Funny thing is that in the horoscopes it said that this is the week when I will want to express my real emotions and things can get very out of hand if I don’t plan them ahead. Talk about there being synchronicity. The universe had this whole thing planned out for me already long before I even knew it. So all is well and the sun is shining and the flowers are smiling and my heart is glowing.
Steve made such a lovely gesture and brought me an expensive set of Tresemme shampoos and conditioners which have worked wonders with my hair. I have been complaining about how flat and dry my hair is…and he reacted to it, because he liked that I woke up happy. Unfortunately, this elated state of happiness didn’t last very long. I became activated by something and that over-shadowed the whole day. This is the area which I’m working on right now. That is the darkness that I’m trying to bring to daylight. I don’t really know what causes these (unreasonably) angry and confused feelings that I feel in troubled situations, but they obviously have something to do with the outer child issues. It’s funny, but I have worked out the real point behind healing myself: just for the sake of a better tomorrow. Simple as. There is no mystery to it. And this allows me to dig deeper inside myself and gain more sophisticated insights into the workings of the universe. Step by step it’s all unfolding right in front of me.
There is no question about needing to become healed. I really do need to look very closely at the root causes of my frustrations and fears and angers…they often seem to come between me and Steve. And I’m tired of it. These things need to be sorted out!
So as we went down to the beach today we played the “bat and ball” at times with the little rubber ball and at times with a real tennis ball. I wish I could enjoy all these wonderful moments of my life a little more… There were a lot of very handsome people there and I found myself constantly staring at this guy in the red shorts. What a perfect body. Not the best looking face…but a flawless body. I envied his muscularity. I want to be that fit. I guess that will inspire me to exercise more carefully, when I do. Gotta stay fit! And well, Steve also became disorientated there for some time when this extremely beautiful young guy walked by. And I didn’t feel the slightest bit jealous, because I know that our relationship is destined to last. One of the few things that I know for sure. We maintained a pretty happy mood throughout and had a lot of fun. I used to feel very self-conscious on the beach, but not anymore. I enjoy the whole looking game and the stares and the sun and the sea and the waves and the magical world under the water. Life is beautiful! Whenever I begin to forget what really matters…I look at the sun sparkling off the surface of the water and I remember instantly!
Afterwards we stopped by at the Starbucks and grabbed two skinny hazelnut lattes. We were very lucky to get out favorite seats. Under the palm trees with a sweet sea view. I raised the subject of healing and discussed with him what my mom had advised me over the phone a few minutes earlier. I spoke to my mom about the current ongoings and she confirmed further what I was already suspecting: it’s not worth creating frictions in a relationship and demanding perfection and constantly getting angry. It’s far too taxing and will ultimately destroy the relationship! So I told Steve that from now on he can smoke as much as he likes and I’m not going to interfere with his habits…even if I don’t agree with them! He can create his own karma exactly the way he likes. I’m just gonna sit back and enjoy myself. As long as Steve isn’t too bitchy with me I’ll be satisfied. But often he comes up with bitchy remarks that he considers as joking and innocent. I told him that it’s because I worried about his health that I didn’t want him to take subutex, but he reckons it’s because I was jealous of him “having all the fun” or “feeling like I was missing out on something, because I used to like to take drugs as well”. That really activated me and pissed me off pretty bad, because I’m not particularly proud of having taken “speed”. Yes, when I was 18 I got drawn into a short-term period of taking “speed” and even messed up my grades in high school because of it. Not the sort of memory I wanted to remember, because it reminded me of how miserable I was when I was at 18.
Because loving is my goal I maintained a calm attitude and simply explained to him that I do really worry about him for real. He doesn’t seem to think so. Or at least if he did…then I doubt he’d say anything as ludicrous as that. From one point of view I’m glad he told me that, because that means he is really honest with his thoughts…but on the other hand this is obviously a very bad case of tactlessness. He allows himself to say these things, because he has no understanding of how it will affect me. Or maybe on a deeper level he just doesn’t care? Or he still just doesn’t know me? Or maybe I’m just too negative about things?
I didn’t get to release this anger until dinner time, when I just couldn’t hold it back any more and I calmly explained to him that what he said had really upset me and for him to think something like that means that he identifies himself too much with the lower forms of thought. Just because a depressed person may want to commit suicide, doesn’t mean that they should actually be silly enough to follow that instinct. The same goes for someone addicted to drugs. The instinct is constantly telling the person to take that drug, but that doesn’t mean that the addict should necessarily listen to that instinct and keep taking the drug. One must overcome this. One must learn to differentiate one’s real being – the wonder that we are – from the human being that we work on. This is the whole idea of healing. We must look closely at the issue and let it burn away as love will sooth the fear that caused the issue. And we are love!
