That’s basically a very silly headline for an entry after nearly 6 months of inactivity on the WordPress. So I got sick of it…so what? Had other things to do. Well, I’ve been very busy with studying music and practising piano and never really got around to getting things written down. Clearly, writing about things makes them stand out so much more. You could say I retreated from the dominance of the words over action. Really! Actually doing things can taste so much sweeter than just putting things in a chronological order and filing them and talking about them. So that’s my alibi. And I’m not sure how ”back” I really am…
The real reason why I’ve returned to you, dear WordPress Diary, is because I need to reveal my depths to you. I need to heal. A couple of days ago I remembered the work that got left half done with John… So many things have happened and so many inner traumas have been resurfacing, but not in order to just be revealed, but to haunt my life. From what I learnt from John, I know that problems don’t just disappear, but they will increase in severity if I don’t heal them. This is becoming more and more apparent with each passing day.
I think it was my soul guide who whispered into my ear that further work on myself needs to be done. Suddenly I realized what needed to be done in order to move forward. At the moment I’m looking for a job and have one possibility in a five star hotel on the Dhekelia road…where I will be the pianist in the bar, obviously. Wouldn’t that just be the dream come true? But I’m stalling…I feel like leaving all these job worries onto tomorrow and hoping things will somehow sort themselves out. Over the weeks it’s becoming more and more clearer that things won’t sort themselves out. I will personally have to put my foot down and sort things out! I begin sorting things out by taking the next step in the healing process that started 2 years ago. I’ve become very clear about who I am in this World and who are the people that I can really trust. Now I need to show myself that I can be infinitely loving and worthy. The most obvious reason why I’m stalling is clearly an inner sense of lack of worth. I’m afraid to find out what I’ve always feared the most: that’s I may be unworthy.
The healing work that we did with John got left at that dreadful day in the supermarket in Eastbourne. So much has occurred ever since and me and Steve are still together. We never split. John pointed out to me that it was Steve’s unloving intentions that angered me, but because I still have denials about myself and my life, I poured the anger at the innocent guy… This is the classical case of denial and quick-fix and false emotions. Basically…all of this means that in order to really move forward we would both have to want to look really closely at the truth and become healed as we express what is real. I don’t know where to begin. I still feel angered by Steve’s behaviour, but he always seems to “smooth” his way out of things and prove to me that I’m “too serious”, “I look into things too much”, “I worry too much” etc, etc. Basically saying that he is right and I’m wrong. I often end up feeling very abused and angered, but i have to repress it all in order to lead a normal every day life. At least “normal” according to him. He isn’t interested in healing and real deep inner work. He only wants to “do his own thing”. I’m not even going to get into this for now. Anyways, what John said about him being a control-freak is actually true. But he has his reasons for his actions. I can see him as an innocent little boy struggling inside that gown man’s body and completely unaware of the negative karma he is creating for himself with these actions and with the lack of attention for his being. He is constantly ignoring his own issues, he never addresses them with loving…he numbs the pain with substitutes. This is one thing that makes me feel very uneasy. I’m not at all very sure where all this is going, but I know he will have a lot more work to do on himself now that he has chosen to deny everything.
The incident in the supermarket was telling and still is…and I myself will have to take decisive action based on the facts. I don’t need any more proof to see what is what. I know what is what now…but i don’t know how to act. Acting lovingly is my goal. I don’t want to slice and dice everything that appears to be threatening. I want to enlighten all those dark corners in my heart and bring love into manifestation. I’ll have to turn to John once again to hear his opinions on things.
