March 24, 2009

Inspired and grounded.

Hello, dear Diary! Finally I’m here again and beginning to find my good old self again! The continuous sense of excitement and the joy of doing things has returned. I just recorded the 1st movement of the “Moonlight” Sonata by Beethoven and boy, was that hard work or what? Amazingly, somehow I managed to bring out the best of that digital piano. It sounds OK, but since it lacks the natural resonance of a real piano you have to go an extra mile to get it to sound convincing. And I’m so happy now, because it reminds me of all the good work I’ve done on that piano. It’s been such an amazing journey. But there is something I need to share with you, dear Diary…I’m in need of some healing! You were always here for me and listened intently whenever I needed you, so thank you so much for being here, dear Diary!

I don’t know where to begin. So much has occurred and I know I should have shared more with you, but I’ve joined an on-line community, where I’m constantly chatting with people and not a lot of that chat energy is left over at the end of the day. But this is very important. I have to share this with you. Last year, on the 17th of December, I flew to Finland to spend some quality time with mom over the Xmas. Steve went to England to do the same with his family. We have been together over 5 years now and this was a welcome variety and, in fact, a necessity! Everything went perfectly well until January. Mike, my mom’s partner, was unusually hostile and unwelcoming. Not exactly being aggressive every day, but I sensed that he didn’t want me there for too long. But I had to be there for mom. We needed this time together for some serious past life healing. I didn’t even know this until February, when I was revealed that the reason why we still had some difficulties with mom, while on a trip on the Canary Islands, were unhealed past life issues. And after having done this bit of healing I feel safe to say that there has been the ultimate clearing between us! But it wasn’t all that easy.

Healing to do.

While on the trip on the Canaries something dreadful happened. My mom had a horrendous accident which left me deeply traumatized. At the time of the accident I acted like anyone would to save someone very close to them, but I felt completely torn apart by what I’d seen. On our last day of the trip, about 7 hours before leaving our hotel, we decided to rent bicycles one last time and just stroll around town a little. It was all very fun at first. Then we ascended up a hill where we’d been walking before, but it was extremely steep and something we couldn’t foresee. I did get a feeling that it was a bit dangerous, but I didn’t excpect such a massive accident. I even told my mom not to go down that particular street, which was so steep that you even struggle to stand up straight on it. And then the nightmare began…Suddenly I saw mom rushing down the hill straight towards a wall! It happened so fast, all I could do was scream: NOOOOOOO…!!! I was convinced I’d lost her. I saw her hit her head against the edge of a wall at a break-neck speed. She even screamed. I didn’t know what the heck had just happened, but I saw my mom lying on the street with blood gushing out of her head. As far as I knew, she may have broken her neck or skull or she could have sustained some serious brain injury…I dind’t know anything! I could hardly hold back the tears! The time stood still. I started crying for help and said something like: “I told you not to go down that street!!! Why did you do this?” My voice sounded very loud and clear and obviously very upset. I quickly tore my shirt off to put on her head wound…so much blood was coming out! I told her to lie still and not to move. Her toe was all bloody and damaged from the fall…I felt the worst despair of my life! I thought that if she was going to die, then I wanted to go with her. I begged my soul guides to do something and help her and to make sure that she lives! I need my mom alive! I can’t loose her like this. This was the hardest test I’d endured over a long time.

Awareness helps.

Everything was going so well. We’ve worked so hard on ourselves to reach this level of understanding. But this was probably the karma we incurred loosing our patience with one another the day before. I don’t think that this lesson was a “punishment”, but it was certainly a wake-up call. We had a massive quarrel the night before and it was something rather petty. We had some beer in a pub and decided to go play in the arcade a little and then mom started playing on a Casino table and I was afraid she was going to spend all her money on it and said: “please don’t start playing that now!”. I may have sounded like a moaner, but she clearly didn’t like it and got very nasty and started throwing accusations at me. I got very angry and just walked off. Back at the hotel we didn’t say a single word to one another. It was obvious that this was unnecessary. But some kind of old wounds came up to the surface. And these wounds were NOT from this life. In this life we have already healed whatever pain we had between us… The life concerned was where we had the opposite roles: she was my son and I was her mother. Back then she was also still an “Infant soul” (a term from the Michael teachings) and I suspect that she may also have been quite a troublesome young man. I don’t know what happened in that life, but somehow painful memories remained. Now all of this is over. We have looked lovingly, but intensely at all of our actions and have chosen the path of love, light and forgiveness. All these past life issues are just a thing of the past now – nothing but memory. They are not interfering with our lives anymore. I didn’t know this until I Michael told me this in a channeled chat. Thank you SO MUCH, Michael! Thank you! I can now understand what all of this was about. Having cleared the issues from this life we were finally ready to also clear all the karma from the past lives. Phew! That’s why I’ve been feeling a little light-headed! Finally all that stuff is out of my energy field! I’m free!

Free as a bird.

14th of August

 

Manuscript.

Hey, dear Diary!

 

Haven’t logged in for a couple of days. To be honest not that much has occurred for me to write anything substantial down. But the more intense part of the healing process has ended. I’ve exchanged some very deep and meaningful letters with Phillip Wilcher, the composer from Australia. And yet again I’ve come to see that all people are spiritual teachers. Doesn’t matter whether they’re old souls, young souls, educated, uneducated, sophisticated, foolish, spiritual or unaware of themselves …every single person has a profound role to play in life. Often that role isn’t very clear.

 

The climax of the healing process took place 2 days ago. The whole day was an utter mess in terms of “normality”. The separation line between the ethereal and the real has never been that blurred for me. In a letter to Phillip I told him about the ongoing healing process and why it’s occurring and where I hope this will all go. I initiated the healing by contacting John and asking him some questions and basically writing about some painful past experiences that have been blocking up my energy channels. I believe this was all part of the grand scheme of things: while appearing to be just a “healing process” it was really a spiritual lesson in disguise. And I’m convinced I’ve learnt this lesson! I have a very inquisitive nature that often gets out of control with its constant desire to know everything and to analyze everything and worst of all: box everything up and label them. This part of my character became especially magnified during this healing process – probably this is what I’ve really been working at, to decrease the craving to conceptualize everything. When I’m flowing through life more naturally and when there isn’t too much inner work going on, then I’m able to balance these forces much more easily and direct my energy into specific things that have an actual value and a result: studying music, practicing piano and looking for more ways to advance as a musician (rather than tirelessly calculating people’s numerological reports…only for the sake of comparison and to just find out who’s got the biggest numbers!). When I’m not able to direct the energy flowing through me, then I become overly concerned with the metaphysical subjects, such as my soul age and past lives and all the like. To be honest…the concept of having lived other lives terrifies me a bit. Some inner voice is constantly telling me to lay off this search for the ultimate knowledge of myself and just get on with the life at hand. That’s a good thing, because all I have is this life and this body and these people that I know now… I want to love my present day more than I have done so far.

 

Pretty Campanulas.

I believe another reason why I departed from my usual path of musical discipline was to also expand my personal freedom. I have been stuck in a routine for nearly 2 years: getting up, studying music, practicing piano, composing, composing, composing, studying more music…looking for music to study… And only for very brief moments I would find myself really appreciating my present day life here as a composer. I’ve been too busy working instead of enjoying. This is what I really need to learn is to relax and let loose after a hard day’s work and not force myself to go on till I drop. From now on I’ve decided I will not do more composing after meditating. Instead I will watch TV, surf the net, play PS3 games…relax and have fun! There must be an element of play. But for some reason I find it hard to switch off after working hard…it’s like I’ve become hyper-activated and it’s so hard to cool down again. But I guess I’m finally beginning to really master myself already. Not to say that I’ve mastered myself completely, but…one step at a time.

 

A composer stuck in a rut.

So…we started discussing with Phillip about the whole spiritual aspect of things and my healing process. Phillip reckoned that spirituality is basically the same as being out of tune. He didn’t exactly say it literally, but I know he meant to say it when he hinted at it by pointing out the fact that “music gives back what life takes away”. I know this particular thought…I’ve thought that myself! I am a musician afterall. But at this time I was experiencing a spiritual lesson which I was aware of, but he didn’t see it that way, because he wasn’t in my shoes. He reckons that swaying from the path of discipline is the same as being out of tune and often includes being unreal. In a way I know he’s right. But from another perspective it may be that people only know what is right for them at the time. So he may simply have been selling me his ideas, because that’s all he knows. But this is where a very important aspect comes in: God is loving!!! For that reason I know that at any point in time I will be led to the right people who will tell me exactly the right things that I may need to learn at that time. It all makes sense. As I was on a spiritual curve away from my usual path (all of which is perfectly OK and just as it was meant to be) I learnt many new things and then Phillip came along to bring me back to the reality with his very down to Earth beliefs about things. Now I feel very appreciative of what has taken place and I know that every single person has an extremely important role to play. While someone may not appear to be up to my/our ideals or the perfect standards…they are still aspects of God teaching me/us something. And the answer to all suffering is: UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!

Unconditional Love.

Life unfolding.

 

This week has passed very quietly. The intensity of the emotions has cooled down. In the today’s meditation I even tried to wind myself up a bit to sabotage the healing process a little bit…but it’s not happening. I’ve dealt with one very serious anger issue, but from a more recent past. In June I visited my family in Kallaste, Estonia. The beautiful little town on the shores of lake Peipus. That’s why it’s called “Kallaste” which could be translated as “Of The Shores”.

A moment in Kallaste.

 It was my getaway from Tartu, the town where I grew up and where…well…things happened. In this June I got to spend some serious quality-time with my grandma, father and sister. I’m especially satisfied with how fun and lovely my little sister is. Such an adorable little human. My grandma…she’s the home of my heart. Her lovingness is infinite. My father…we have issues. This time around Kallaste I was hoping to have some fun with my father, but it didn’t work out this way. He has a drinking habit and has failed to stay dignified. In the recent years I’ve struggled hard to get perfectly healthy and life-positive/goal-minded/forward moving/God-loving. And all the energy I’ve put into caring for my body has made me a much more confident person as well. So when my father turned to me to ask for money to buy illegal vodka…I said a resolute: NO! I won’t contribute anything to destroying lives. If he’d asked me for support like money for buying useful things…I would more than happily oblige. But to ask my money to use it to destroy one’s health…that just angers me. I’m not a priest, so I wouldn’t like to hold any speeches on one’s deprivation and damnation by one’s own (free) choices to do what one will’s, not the slightest. He can do what he likes with his life. But I wouldn’t do this to myself and therefore I won’t fund anything like that, because agreeing to give him money to buy alcohol would mean that I’m OK with that…but I’m not. I was never concerned for my little sister, but now I begin to think how his drinking may affect Alisa. Doesn’t bear thinking about. Thank God for my grandma. She’s the closest thing to an angel, she’ll take care of Alisa.

Grandma with Alisa and a bit of my dad.

 

The row with my father carried on throughout my stay in Kallaste. He probably didn’t like to be confronted, so I’m guessing he began holding little grudges against me. Our already troubled relationship finally turned completely sour with this one very f***-ed up experience in the kitchen and I don’t see any solutions to this. Unless he miraculously chooses to become healed and frees himself form the domination of material over spiritual. I may sound like a crazy religion-freak, but I just don’t know any better words at this point. Here’s what happened.

On the 2^nd of June I left Kallaste in the morning for Tartu to go to visit Laura and Dagmar there. It was a refreshing experience to find myself in my hometown again. A little bit scary as well as I found myself all alone. But I calmed myself with affirmations: God is loving, happiness is here, life is a joy! But an underlying level of uncertainty and nervousness remained. In fact…the universe was preparing me to finally introduce me to a very profound secret of my being, perhaps one that I’d searched for for a long time. We met up with Laura and obviously got beer and went to the local nature hangout – the Toome hill. There we talked and talked…oh the fun! I love this girl, she is so down to Earth and so real. Very few girls are so trustworthy and present. She must be a soul mate of mine. Well anyways…then this awful experience happened. In a cafe we saw one lady have an epileptic fit. But it caught us off-guard. I had never witnessed such horror in my life. It’s possibly since I don’t understand this illness, but it scared the living daylight out of me. I couldn’t tell if she was dying from fear of something or if it was just an illness. All I could feel was my own fear of that situation. Then it started…I began seeing far to deep inside the workings of the Universe…far too deep for my liking. I felt like my whole life was shattered…because what I considered “LIFE” could never be restored again. I have become painfully aware of the hidden behind the scenes. It’s all very real and with this particular experience in mind…also very scary and it’s impossible to escape the truth. At least this what I thought how things were at that time. Now I know it was just a preparatory experience to introduce me to this completely new thing… the Michael Teaching. When I discovered it…it explained all these questions that had risen in me as a result of that particular experience. Finally I was ready to come out of my (long) isolation and learn about my soul age/ my current life conditions, meet my soul mates and begin to actively search out and converse with others who have advanced away from the “everyday life”. Not to say that the everyday life isn’t good enough…it most certainly is, but there is more to things than meets the eye. And luckily I’m not alone in this discovery. Although I managed to say a warm goodbye to Laura and appear normal on the surface, inside I was shaken/stirred/messed up/”what the f*ck is going on? Back to Kallaste…when I tried telling my father about this experience, he coldly stated that this must have been a “drug experiment gone wrong”. That terrified me and angered me at the same time as my father happens to be a very negative person, who also seems to get a kick out of scaring people. At that point I needed consolation, loving, nurturing…but he responded to me with anger and told me to change the subject. That activated further feelings of guilt in me and messed up everything for me. I tried explaining to him how it was all making me feel, but he was convinced I was trying to “hurt him” by telling him about such awful things. I asked him if he had no remorse or compassion for me, but he just said: suck it up and take it like a man. I decided to end this cruelty by simply leaving the conversation and going to meditate. In the meditation I affirmed to myself that God is loving and God really loves me and just because I didn’t know what life was before doesn’t change the fact that it all existed long before me. Basically I believe that what really happened is that as I was looking very deep inside things, I saw them for what they really were. And deep down my father is just a very angry person, that’s why he drinks. He needs to heal the anger in order to become enlightened… A fragment of his anger also affected me (it must have stayed in my energy field), but in the tonight’s meditation I released it. And now I’m free from it.

A brighter tomorrow.

The next day after the final row with my father we were getting on a little better…but I felt very bitter inside, because I’d discovered that I can’t trust him at all. On the last day we went out for a last walk with Alisa and got to spend some valuable time together. It felt pretty serene. Alisa must have felt very happy…I know I would have if I were in her shoes.

 

Then my mom came and we left for Finland. Boy was I glad to see my mom. Someone I could really trust. I felt confidence returning to me as we drove away from Kallaste. I know they will all be fine, but at this time in my life I believe it’s better for us to be apart. I love my grandma dearly, but there is nothing I can do, I have to continue living my life as it unfolds naturally.

 

Back in Finland it took me quite a while to become tuned to the “reality” again. And I felt faith returning to me as well. I also discovered that it’s faith really that makes up the beauty of life. All that is beautiful and worthwhile is made of faith!

 

This was a more recent experience that profoundly shaped my life and has made me almost a completely new being. I find myself waking up every morning wondering…howcome I’m still here…after all that…and what is all of this becoming? And…who am I? I used to know who I was, but now I’m simply experiencing every day as it comes. Perhaps I just need to get real and get a job and start a normal life…but I’m a composer and this is what I love doing: intensely studying music every day, composing and practicing piano. This is what makes me happy. If only I could also work as a pianist somewhere…oh yes, please! (I just made a wish and I know the Universe is listening!)

 

Sweet dreams, dear Diary! I love you!

3rd of August

A shadow on the wall.

 

Hello, dear Diary! It’s such a joy to write to you. So much is going on and there is so much that needs to be said…I don’t even know where to start.

 

Today was a warm and eventful Sunday. Although I never even left the apartment, I feel like I’ve conquered a mountain today. We decided to dedicate today on cleaning up. I love cleaning up. Steve had to leave after some time to go to the village called Agios Theodoros to meet his sister there. They had some important business to discuss. And it’s for the better that he left me by myself, because I feel much more concentrated when I can clean alone. Cleaning up is considered a form of therapy by some and I totally agree. Today was perfect for me considering that I needed to get involved in something that allows me to ponder over the things that have been taking place recently. Last night I uncovered yet another part of me that was in great need of my loving and attention. It was the 18-year-old me around the spring of 2003 and the nearing of the end of the high school days. In the last night’s meditation I asked my 18-year-old self to come forward and tell me everything he wanted me to know about him and I asked him to express everything that is troubling him. So cleaning up gave me the most wonderful opportunity to converse with him and encourage him to tell me more about himself.

 

There was so much to do. I began as usual with doing my bed, washing the dishes and straightening out the couch covers in the living room. Then I continued with the usual routine: dusting off the kitchen, then the living room, then the bedrooms etc. The best part of the cleaning up was the final part of it: the balcony. Usually when I feel less inspired than today, I would feel hesitant about doing too much. Today I felt more than energetic. And it was just another chance to dig deeper within myself while in a physical activity. Reaching those dark, dusty corners can be a very rewarding thing to do. I feel like my awareness expands when I make the effort to clean up where I normally wouldn’t. And that just feels very good! The more I do…the more I want to do. Steve has done a marvelous job with the balcony so far – it’s so full of all kinds of plants and flowers, hanging and climbing, colorful and fragrant, that you begin to think you have suddenly gotten lost in a jungle. But it needed some serious dusting and sweeping up…all those dead leaves and blossoms. Now it’s a joy to go out on the balcony and just smell the clean air.

 

I’m inspired to the very core of me by the moving shadows of the plants. When I see that, it makes me feel the eternity. Time stops. And there are just those shadows, playfully moving slightly here and there. Such beauty.

 

Now to return to my healing process. Finally after all the cleaning and after many inner dialogues I showered off and meditated. When I felt very centered and calm I asked my 18-year-old self to step forward and share himself with me. At first he seemed a little unwilling to say too much, but then I reassured him that he is finally safe and sound and home is here in the heart. And that I love him infinitely. I asked him what he wanted me to do for him to feel happy. Then he finally told me what really has been troubling him. It was the trauma of a brutal attack by that monstrosity who used to be my brother…until he finally proved that we have nothing in common and I decided I have a brother no more. It was the night before my national Estonian language exam and I felt very nervous, because life then seemed a complete mess. It was some time around March or April. I had previously tried amphetamine a couple of months ago and that had completely thrown me off balance. Well…there wasn’t that much balance in my life anyways, but the drug-taking only aggravated things further. I had no stable home which I craved so very much. Since my early childhood I lived in a broken home with a hysterical mother. I’ve forgiven my mom everything now, because I understand the hardships that she had to deal with as well. But nevertheless the truth is that my life was far from being anything rosy. I basically lived in hopelessness, there was a dark cloud over and around me all the time. From a lack of guidance I didn’t say no to the drug experience. It was a welcome relief to all the pain I felt. The combination of extreme sensitivity, lack of a warm and stable home, no friends to count on or to enjoy myself with, my homosexuality, my dreadfully serious personality, the bullying everywhere and my absolute brute of a brother, who never felt the slightest bit of remorse whenever he went into one of his aggression modes. You couldn’t be yourself around him. Dare to express any bit of anger or disturbance around him and he would basically nearly murder you in his blind rage. He never even said sorry. That miserable night before the exam I was trying to get some sleep after cleaning up all day long. I was the only person apart from my mother, who was never at home, that would clean up mostly all the time. My brother lived a careless life, stealing and getting imprisoned every now and then, hanging out with his “friends”. I tried to stay away from taking life too easily. I would hate to end up like my brother. Anyways, as he got home around 1 am or so, I had already fallen asleep, but became awake soon as I heard the door shut. It was probably raining outside, because he brought a lot of dirt inside with him. That pissed me off, because I’d just labored like a madman to get everything nice and clean. I may have sounded a tad grumpy or perhaps even bitchy… And then suddenly I found myself curled up in bed crying and frantically trying to protect myself form all the blows coming from all the directions. I remember him constantly kicking me in the head with his feet. There was no justice in that moment. What did I do to deserve this awful attack? There was no one there to protect me. I had to deal with all alone. As anyone would do trying to survive in a dangerous situation…I sucked it all up and after an hour of crying I went up to my brother and suggested that we get some “speed”. It was an instinct. I needed to feel good again. The exam didn’t go very well at all…I got only 45 points out of 100. A dreadful result. I wrote a literary essay about the state of politics during that time. I had made numerous spelling mistakes and missed out commas, but the story itself got acclaim. Sadly it didn’t earn me the necessary points to get an honorable or a dignified result at least. I considered appealing the result and trying again…but I left Estonia and it all got left at that. I didn’t particularly need that exam for a life in Cyprus anyways. After this incident I became even more closed in and scared of social interactions. Whenever someone gets angry…I just dread the blind rage that might appear even when there is no actual reason for it. It’s an unreasonable fear and I know it’s rooted in the fear of death. But at the time of the attack I also felt anger, but obviously there was no way for me to show it…I was scared senseless!

 

That’s all that became revealed to me so far. And it’s been refreshing looking back at my life when I still used to doubt in God and in destiny. I just didn’t know things so well back then. Now I’ve re-membered my 18-year-old self and I intend to shower him with even more love. Hopefully he will share more with me! I’m all ears.

 

It’s been a long and fruitful day and now I will draw it to a close by saying: Dilige, et quod vis fac!

Healing taking place.

 

I woke up in a very positive mood today. I remember twisting and turning around 9 am, but not from unease, but rather from the healing processes taking place. My emotional being has come to my full awareness and it’s more than obvious now that this is what is supposed to be happening. Funny thing is that in the horoscopes it said that this is the week when I will want to express my real emotions and things can get very out of hand if I don’t plan them ahead. Talk about there being synchronicity. The universe had this whole thing planned out for me already long before I even knew it. So all is well and the sun is shining and the flowers are smiling and my heart is glowing.

 

Steve made such a lovely gesture and brought me an expensive set of Tresemme shampoos and conditioners which have worked wonders with my hair. I have been complaining about how flat and dry my hair is…and he reacted to it, because he liked that I woke up happy. Unfortunately, this elated state of happiness didn’t last very long. I became activated by something and that over-shadowed the whole day. This is the area which I’m working on right now. That is the darkness that I’m trying to bring to daylight. I don’t really know what causes these (unreasonably) angry and confused feelings that I feel in troubled situations, but they obviously have something to do with the outer child issues. It’s funny, but I have worked out the real point behind healing myself: just for the sake of a better tomorrow. Simple as. There is no mystery to it. And this allows me to dig deeper inside myself and gain more sophisticated insights into the workings of the universe. Step by step it’s all unfolding right in front of me.

 

There is no question about needing to become healed. I really do need to look very closely at the root causes of my frustrations and fears and angers…they often seem to come between me and Steve. And I’m tired of it. These things need to be sorted out!

 

So as we went down to the beach today we played the “bat and ball” at times with the little rubber ball and at times with a real tennis ball. I wish I could enjoy all these wonderful moments of my life a little more… There were a lot of very handsome people there and I found myself constantly staring at this guy in the red shorts. What a perfect body. Not the best looking face…but a flawless body. I envied his muscularity. I want to be that fit. I guess that will inspire me to exercise more carefully, when I do. Gotta stay fit! And well, Steve also became disorientated there for some time when this extremely beautiful young guy walked by. And I didn’t feel the slightest bit jealous, because I know that our relationship is destined to last. One of the few things that I know for sure. We maintained a pretty happy mood throughout and had a lot of fun. I used to feel very self-conscious on the beach, but not anymore. I enjoy the whole looking game and the stares and the sun and the sea and the waves and the magical world under the water. Life is beautiful! Whenever I begin to forget what really matters…I look at the sun sparkling off the surface of the water and I remember instantly!

 

Afterwards we stopped by at the Starbucks and grabbed two skinny hazelnut lattes. We were very lucky to get out favorite seats. Under the palm trees with a sweet sea view. I raised the subject of healing and discussed with him what my mom had advised me over the phone a few minutes earlier. I spoke to my mom about the current ongoings and she confirmed further what I was already suspecting: it’s not worth creating frictions in a relationship and demanding perfection and constantly getting angry. It’s far too taxing and will ultimately destroy the relationship! So I told Steve that from now on he can smoke as much as he likes and I’m not going to interfere with his habits…even if I don’t agree with them! He can create his own karma exactly the way he likes. I’m just gonna sit back and enjoy myself. As long as Steve isn’t too bitchy with me I’ll be satisfied. But often he comes up with bitchy remarks that he considers as joking and innocent. I told him that it’s because I worried about his health that I didn’t want him to take subutex, but he reckons it’s because I was jealous of him “having all the fun” or “feeling like I was missing out on something, because I used to like to take drugs as well”. That really activated me and pissed me off pretty bad, because I’m not particularly proud of having taken “speed”. Yes, when I was 18 I got drawn into a short-term period of taking “speed” and even messed up my grades in high school because of it. Not the sort of memory I wanted to remember, because it reminded me of how miserable I was when I was at 18.

Because loving is my goal I maintained a calm attitude and simply explained to him that I do really worry about him for real. He doesn’t seem to think so. Or at least if he did…then I doubt he’d say anything as ludicrous as that. From one point of view I’m glad he told me that, because that means he is really honest with his thoughts…but on the other hand this is obviously a very bad case of tactlessness. He allows himself to say these things, because he has no understanding of how it will affect me. Or maybe on a deeper level he just doesn’t care? Or he still just doesn’t know me? Or maybe I’m just too negative about things?

 

I didn’t get to release this anger until dinner time, when I just couldn’t hold it back any more and I calmly explained to him that what he said had really upset me and for him to think something like that means that he identifies himself too much with the lower forms of thought. Just because a depressed person may want to commit suicide, doesn’t mean that they should actually be silly enough to follow that instinct. The same goes for someone addicted to drugs. The instinct is constantly telling the person to take that drug, but that doesn’t mean that the addict should necessarily listen to that instinct and keep taking the drug. One must overcome this. One must learn to differentiate one’s real being – the wonder that we are – from the human being that we work on. This is the whole idea of healing. We must look closely at the issue and let it burn away as love will sooth the fear that caused the issue. And we are love!

I’m back!

 

That’s basically a very silly headline for an entry after nearly 6 months of inactivity on the WordPress. So I got sick of it…so what? Had other things to do. Well, I’ve been very busy with studying music and practising piano and never really got around to getting things written down. Clearly, writing about things makes them stand out so much more. You could say I retreated from the dominance of the words over action. Really! Actually doing things can taste so much sweeter than just putting things in a chronological order and filing them and talking about them. So that’s my alibi. And I’m not sure how ”back” I really am…

 

The real reason why I’ve returned to you, dear WordPress Diary, is because I need to reveal my depths to you. I need to heal. A couple of days ago I remembered the work that got left half done with John… So many things have happened and so many inner traumas have been resurfacing, but not in order to just be revealed, but to haunt my life. From what I learnt from John, I know that problems don’t just disappear, but they will increase in severity if I don’t heal them. This is becoming more and more apparent with each passing day.

 

I think it was my soul guide who whispered into my ear that further work on myself needs to be done. Suddenly I realized what needed to be done in order to move forward. At the moment I’m looking for a job and have one possibility in a five star hotel on the Dhekelia road…where I will be the pianist in the bar, obviously. Wouldn’t that just be the dream come true? But I’m stalling…I feel like leaving all these job worries onto tomorrow and hoping things will somehow sort themselves out. Over the weeks it’s becoming more and more clearer that things won’t sort themselves out. I will personally have to put my foot down and sort things out! I begin sorting things out by taking the next step in the healing process that started 2 years ago. I’ve become very clear about who I am in this World and who are the people that I can really trust. Now I need to show myself that I can be infinitely loving and worthy. The most obvious reason why I’m stalling is clearly an inner sense of lack of worth. I’m afraid to find out what I’ve always feared the most: that’s I may be unworthy.

 

The healing work that we did with John got left at that dreadful day in the supermarket in Eastbourne. So much has occurred ever since and me and Steve are still together. We never split. John pointed out to me that it was Steve’s unloving intentions that angered me, but because I still have denials about myself and my life, I poured the anger at the innocent guy… This is the classical case of denial and quick-fix and false emotions. Basically…all of this means that in order to really move forward we would both have to want to look really closely at the truth and become healed as we express what is real. I don’t know where to begin. I still feel angered by Steve’s behaviour, but he always seems to “smooth” his way out of things and prove to me that I’m “too serious”, “I look into things too much”, “I worry too much” etc, etc. Basically saying that he is right and I’m wrong. I often end up feeling very abused and angered, but i have to repress it all in order to lead a normal every day life. At least “normal” according to him. He isn’t interested in healing and real deep inner work. He only wants to “do his own thing”. I’m not even going to get into this for now. Anyways, what John said about him being a control-freak is actually true. But he has his reasons for his actions. I can see him as an innocent little boy struggling inside that gown man’s body and completely unaware of the negative karma he is creating for himself with these actions and with the lack of attention for his being. He is constantly ignoring his own issues, he never addresses them with loving…he numbs the pain with substitutes. This is one thing that makes me feel very uneasy. I’m not at all very sure where all this is going, but I know he will have a lot more work to do on himself now that he has chosen to deny everything.

 

The incident in the supermarket was telling and still is…and I myself will have to take decisive action based on the facts. I don’t need any more proof to see what is what. I know what is what now…but i don’t know how to act. Acting lovingly is my goal. I don’t want to slice and dice everything that appears to be threatening. I want to enlighten all those dark corners in my heart and bring love into manifestation. I’ll have to turn to John once again to hear his opinions on things.

 

Interesting stuff!

29th of November, 2006

Dear diary, i can’t believe i’m really back in Finland and seeing my mom. Can’t say i’m extremely optimistic about going to Tallinn. But i want to do it. I don’t know what happened earlier, i was telling my mom about Lisa and i just became lost for words, my mind went blank. I didn’t think i’d ever feel like that around my own mom again. I guess the trauma has been so deep that there are just no limits to it…perhaps i’m just feeling down from today. I spent the whole day alone and i have no one to complain to. When i’m with Steve, i can at least let it all out without worrying about it too much…i can’t do that with my mom. With her i have to smile and pretend i’m fine…That just puts this intense pressure on me. I wanna scream from the depths of my throat!!! Th one thing i really feel like doing right now is actually practising my piano. I wish i had my piano here…i’d really let it all hang out right now. I’m feeling really creative! So…there has to be a constructive use to all this creative energy. perhaps i should write a book? I’ll write a short story instead!

The snow hasn’t fallen this year. It’s November and there is still no trace of snow. It just won’t happen. I’m glad though, because i’m not much of a snow fan anyways. I prefer things nice and warm. Hence the reason why i fled to Cyprus. It’s warm there. It never seazes to be warm there. The only time i froze my nuts off was about a month ago, when Cyprus was hit by a cold spell that moved in from the South-Russia. That was unbearable…You’d never expect to wake up freezing cold and shivering in the morning in Cyprus. These things just never happen in life. It’s one of these things that when it happens you think something has gone wrong in the World! Maybe it’s the much anticipated Armageddon/ Apocalypse or ‘the end of the World’ in Layman’s terms.

My world has ended about a million times so far. I have experienced the greatest losses one can ever experience in life. The first thing i lost in life was my much needed dignity…it was robbed from me, when i was a kid. I was a shy kid, rather withdrawn and very pre-occupied with lonely things that lonely kids do. But i never saw things in that way myself. I do not agree with being alone. I know i’m alone physically, but my spirit is never alone. My mom claimed she was unhappy as a young girl, because she was too boring…Nobody wanted to be with her, because she was ‘boring’. What a cruel word!? She is such a loving and kind spirit inside, but she has never been able to show affection. She has the dreadful 4 1′s in her birthdate…which makes her a very misunderstood person. Too much ‘ego’ material and too little soul presence. But it’s the life she has chosen for herself in the heavens. She will find the answers she’s always been looking for. I’m not at all worried about that. I worry about her in general though. She is my mom in the end of the day and one thing i could never bare would be loosing her. That’s a loss that i hope God will never confront me with. I have to learn to let go of the physical image though…I know that our lives are nothing but tools in the soul business we’re really doing here.

Let’s write about the Grieg piano concerto in a minor. I have been obsessed with it since the dawn of time…so to speak. The first moment i heard i fell so deeply in love with it that it’s been impossible to depart from it ever since. It’s a rather simple piece, there isn’t much of that ‘pianist virtuoso moment’ thing going on. It’s a hyper-sensitive emotional piece. Maybe Grieg had the hyper sensitivity arrow? He was born 15th of June or something…? If he had a 2,5 or 8 in his birth-date then he didn’t have the hyper-sensitivity arrow in his numerological thing… But that music definitely comes from a very sensitive soul…someone who has suffered quite grandly. At the same time the simpleness of the sound of that concerto indicates the fact that he hasn’t yet seen the worst of the suffering, there is still a lot of that inner child going on. Perhaps he discovered the inner child after a grueling time apart from all that is pleasant in life? Hmm…doesn’t make much sense, because he wrote the concerto, while he was 25 years old. Since he was a Gemini i’m not at all surprised with how attractive i find his music. I am an Aquarius and it’s a fact that Aquas gravitate towards Geminis. I like Geminis irrationality versus sensitivity. It’s the main sensitivity that drives them to move a lot, be so active and communicate that well. Well…back to the concerto. It’s starts with a magnificent a minor chord at the top of the keyboard accompanied by the rumbling Timpanis at first. It sounds best in the original version of the concerto. I am not very keen on the modified versions of the concerto. I was lucky enough to be able to hear the original version first and then the other simpler versions. The problem is that rumbling Timpanis do not convey the feeling of the smell of the fog in the early spring in the Norwegian Fjords.But the woodwinds do. They sound much gentler and have less of that attention grabbing noisyness. The rest of the original version is pretty much the same as the modified version, except for a few chords here and there, but nothing too noticable. There is one cadenza in the first movement. It’s not at all very demanding…it is rather unchallenging really. But it does have a lot of that substance; it conveys a powerful feeling!!! The theme of the first movement is so cute that it’s hard not to be able to memorize it. Even those who may claim not to have a musicians talent can easily hum the theme without making any mistakes. The second movement is like an actual Monet’s painting. It is just so powerful that even the few that do not listen to classical music would stop in their paths and listen and ask themselves the basic questions of existence…but they won’t even realize it, because they will be enjoying the piece too much. When i first heard the 2nd movement i did not think much of it until i heard the piano part. It starts with the orchestra playing this extremely slow tune that may be rather hard to grasp at first, but as soon as you’ve heard the whole piece you will want to hear it over and over again. It is addictive. There are so many nuances there that are not at all easy to spot. It is not a very flashy piece with all the big guns out and about like you would find in most of Liszt’s music Like i said it is like you are listening to a a painting of an impressionist era. It’s very emotional, but there is also slight abstractionism there – you feel free to feel anything you like about it, you don’t feel confined to think: hey, this is a great piece and so on…One will have to develop their own understanding of it. While listening to it you will feel as though you’re flying around the Norwegian landscape and land somewhere on top of a Fjord and watch flowers grow and birds fly at the distance and towards the end you will feel like you are a sunset… The 3rd movement is very flamboyant with a lot of vigour. It feels like rushing around, but not with the feeling as though you have lost something, but as though you’ve discovered the meaning of life and now you’re rushing everywhere to tell the news. There is much to share and share one shall!!! It’s accompanied by slight uneasiness though, but it doesn’t at all smother the over all excitement and optimism. Luckily it’s not a constant turmoil, there is a breathing in the middle of the piece…it feels like you’ve entered the gates of Heaven; it is so very serene that there are not such words to describe it. Then the music returns to it’s original fast moving pace. Towards the end the feel of the music gets very uneasy; it’s as though you get lost in the Norwegian woods during a lightning storm and there is just no escape from anything that is bad in the world…but luckily this ‘misery’ is followed by a perfectly happy ending, where the clouds get blown away by the warm summer breeze and sun comes out to play again and the lost wanderer finds himself, where he’s always wanted to be the most, at the very heart of innocence and true happiness!

You’ve gotta listen to it yourself and make up your own mind about it, dear diary, but i’m sure if you open your heart to it you would experience what i have!

 

It’s been quite a bit since I last logged in, Dear Diary, but trust me not that much went on, really. I’ve dedicated my heart and soul to piano playing. I’ve practiced very eagerly from day to day and I feel like I’m finally living my dream. After a period of intense pain I decided to stay with Steve. I’ve been told before and I’ve read that there is no point looking for love…love is here! And it doesn’t matter who you’re with as long as you recognize love’s presence here. And so what’s the point of us splitting if I feel comfortable here with him and we have mutual respect and I’m on the path – the one and only there is! When I called mom and told her about my decision she said she was happy for me and she welcomes me any time!

 

When tuning into the piano playing world I’ve discovered that there are soooo many talented pianists and other instrumentalists and soooo many composers right now and have been…I’m not alone. My dream is to become a renowned pianist. But most of all I love composing! There is nothing other sweeter than having music pour right through me and through the keyboard into the sonic realms for all to be heard! Actually I feel so tiny at times. What I compose may be insignificant in some other people’s eyes…but then again, there are composers whose music is insignificant in my eyes or rather it doesn’t appeal to me! If I was to landmark myself I’d say I’m influenced by the folk tunes, romanticism, expressionism and impressionism. I never want to be apart from music. I want to grow with it and be a particle inside it while it grows. I can’t believe I actually departed from piano playing when I took off to
Cyprus. I went a whole year without playing the piano…no wonder I was so miserable and crying my eyes out every day! Well…not every day, but a lot of the times. Yearning for my piano and lacking musical expression made me so miserable!

 

Now I have Jenny as my piano duet partner and we have a few pieces at hand now. Amongst other pieces we’re playing Grieg’s Wedding Day in Troldhaugen and Bach Fugue in G minor arranged for 2 pianos! That’s going to get interesting. Hopefully we’ll get the chance to perform in public some time soon!

I woke up this morning utterly flustered and covered with cold sweat – I’d just seen the most peculiar dreams ever. The most painful thing was the bug-eyed staring reality of the fact that soon I will have to start living apart from Steve. I woke up scared and lonely. In the dream I had returned to my past back in
Tartu, where I grew up and I felt like I was back in square one…in the beginning of what I thought life was and completely inexperienced and sad…but then Steve appeared and acted out as a guardian angel. Then I also saw episodes of my life with Steve (knowing that now I’m at the end of it) and that all made me well sad. I suppose now I’m able to appreciate it all, but it’s sad that this one section of my young life is now over…it’s there…behind me…inside me…I guess I’m starting to really grow up now and appreciate life much more. Luckily when I woke up Steve was right there and I asked him to lie down with me and I told him about the dream and he swore he would always be there for me…no matter what! Having heard that I calmed down enough to get out of bed. But I didn’t feel anything near happy…Then we went to a pawn shop and I don’t know what came over me – I got very angry and scared and I felt that I just needed to run away from life and my spirit and whatever it is that I am…I wished I was able to just stop being – because being felt painful at that point. Then I asked Steve if we were still going out later on that night…and he said he’d have to work! That really sent me into a frenzy and I started having a go at him. Rightfully so! We still haven’t celebrated my birthday and just one night out would really do the trick…but apparently he didn’t feel like going out…again. So we made up our minds to do it next Saturday: we’ll book a hotel room in
Brighton and go proper clubbing there! He even promised to let me have my way with everything tomorrow. I said that was a ridiculous thing to say – I want things to be natural…I’m really not obsessed with having it my way.

 

Then we got back home and I started practising the piano and I practised and I practised and I practised…Finally I’ve evolved far enough to be able to pay full attention to how my arms are doing. My fingers are agile enough now for me to watch the arm movement – whether it’s pushing towards the keyboard or it’s pulling away. The elbow SHOULD not be twiggling around too much: it shouldn’t be moving from left to right making too many circular movements, but instead towards the keyboard and away. It has to be fixed in one position – all the attention is on the top of the fingers! When moving up on the keyboard the elbow should be pushing towards the keyboard – while all the fingers move in a manner that they appear to be the same length to be able to produce a perfectly smooth and equal sound at every pitch – to remind the wrist to relax and let it gently rest on the keyboard without actually pushing against the keyboard (apart from fingers). Before I used to get a lot of back aches after practising, but not anymore – my hands and arms know now what to do to avoid aches and pains.

 

Then I studied music history and while doing that I started to feel very good about things. I finished studying and then went to watch a DVD with Steve. Earlier on we had a championship with him on Mortal Kombat Racing game. All in all I won, though I had some minor losses, too. As I’m studying Baroque at the moment I decided to search Google for 1600-1750 (AC) which is the time frame for the Baroque Era. I found that before Bach was born (1685) Shakespeare’s Hamlet was performed (1600), Galileo Galilei was brought before Inquisition in Rome (1633), Jamaica was seized by the English, Cervantes’s Don Quixote de la Mancha being published (1605), Taj Mahal building completed (1643), Great Plague in London (1665). So while the early fugal forms were being replaced by a more complete and complex fugue around the 1650’s the Thirty Year Old war had just finished and the Ming Dynasty had just come to an end around that time, too. It’s very interesting studying music history on its own, but it’s much more effective to also look at what else was taking place to link these events to get a fuller picture inside the brain.

    

So today was my fantabulous 22^nd birthday. It was so uncalled for…I really do not…under no circumstances…want to go grow older. Just don’t want it. 21 was such a good year and a perfectly round age. 22 is sort of…old. But apart from my fear of getting old it wasn’t the Happiest Valentines. Although I did make the best of it…I just didn’t feel extremely joyful today. The first thing that I woke up to was…aww…Steve holding a cake under my nose with a candle on it and I had to blow it out and make a wish and he also got me a Valentine’s card and I didn’t get him one. Shame on me! That was so extremely lovely…my heart is sinking right now. Then I went to wash my face and oh joy…a big fat spot right in the middle of my face and very easily noticeable. That really fucked my mood up…When we went downtown there was a bunch of young guys in the shopping centre and as I walked past them they all stared at me…isn’t it just so typical? Just when I didn’t want to be looked at…they all stare they’re little eyeballs out. Bloody idiots. I started to feel kind of irritable after that. Last night I went to bed not feeling too happy either, because of what I read in ‘A Living Soul’ (the book I’m reading at the moment…about a brain in a laboratory aquarium). It said – when a man reaches his middle ages that’s when he starts to reap the rewards of his life, but if he hasn’t ‘kept his house clean’ then the middle ages can be the so called dead end street…I don’t want to end up in a dead end street! My one true wish in life is to become a great pianist…but I’ve been too much of a one man enterprise just lately…It’s so sad. I deserve a piano teacher. Although it’s all good learning theory with Dr Sherlock…I need a professional piano teacher! So the first I’m going to do when I get to Finland is that I will find out if there is a music school anywhere nearby at all…I doubt they’d accept me at the conservatory just yet…need to learn to play a little better for that. Another thing that really activated the guilt particles in me was the fact that I’ve spent massive amounts of time surfing the net and not studying music history…nor anything else music for that matter…all I’ve been doing is just scales, scales and scales…and the Grieg piano concerto in ‘a minor’…so it’s time to funk up my musical self and make my one true reality. There really isn’t much else to aspire after. Just music. Beautiful music. No more wasting time! Yeah…I’m really not happy with myself…apparently. Perhaps I shouldn’t beat myself up so much? But then again…the next minute I will be 40 and then BAM life will be a dead end street. Don’t want that. I suppose this is just self-criticism. In the end of the day though considering the amount of emotional ordeal I’ve suffered, I’ve done pretty well! So I believe I also deserve a tap on the back for staying so positive. On the one hand I can’t let it loose, because it’s not worth it and on the other hand it’s crucial to loosen it up a notch not to continue that self-destructive self-criticism that led me to so much pain before. I believe I deserve a candy for my efforts. After all it was birthday today…

It’s quite amazing what I gathered from a spirit guide of mine during this meditation. I asked him if there are any ‘parallel worlds’ and ‘aliens’ and then all of the sudden I could almost see those other Worlds…for a moment I had a clear vision of a distant planet with a slightly more advanced society than ours. I was told that there are civilizations much more highly evolved beings and there are also very primitive societies which could be compared to our stone ages…but comparison is quite pointless here, because those beings evolve in a different way to us. We are all (all beings in this existence) driven by fear. Fear is not a bad thing at all really. You might think that fear is something to be ashamed of…but it really isn’t. Fear is as noteworthy and as is love. Fear makes the wheels go round so to speak. Of course during the moment of fear…it’s hard to see this and make sense of this, but fear really isn’t a bad thing at all. For instance…it turns boredom into jolly good fun! It’s interesting how I didn’t even notice the exchange going on between me and my spirit guide until I started to see images of distant planets (in DVD quality) when it occurred to me that it wasn’t me imagining it – all of the news came so fluidly and spontaneously…hardly like imagining.